Why do gas station's need website's? Because their hilarliously awful!*
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Online information on MOT testing
I have no idea what this site is for, but they have a car wash and some of it has something to do with cars. I think. I guess it really isn't that important to put the name of your establishment anywhere on your site.
My favorite part was the lovely navigation on the left. Mouse over the options and they slide open. Click them and it sounds like you did something wrong.
The site complains about gas stations, or the cost of gas, or something.
■ Some thoughts from a long suffering petrol station operator (who has now given up the fight, and opened a hand car wash centre on what was a petrol forecourt)
He goes on and on, but to be honest, I didn't read it. Too many words. For example:
■ One thing is for sure - everything that is given away as a discount and incentive will one day be clawed back, with interest!
So, he switched over to a car wash.
■ A swarm of experts will descend on your vehicle and give it the personal and gentle treatment that is only available with hand and eye coordination and a human touch.
How many years of training are needed to qualify as an expert in car washing?
Completely unrelated to car washing and MOT testing, we have flying!
■ Learning to fly isn't cheap - anything you have read or have been told saying that it is just not true.
I can't tell if they are missing another "is" or a grasp of grammar.
■ Pilots Manual Computer (known as a WhizzWheel)
I have one of those. It's gross.
Hey, here's a fake picture that has a plane in it. That's as related as everything else on this site.
As you would expect, this site also has a page explaining MP3s. Of course.
Like any good website, it has a guestbook.
■ Excellent Site, Excellently Written, Will Show This To The Next Moaning Customer, Thanks
I guess there was another page I couldn't find related to prostitution. Bummer.
Make sure you fill out their questionnaire. Suggested comments include "What are you talking about?", "Dude, pick a topic", and "Please post more fake pictures of airplanes getting hand-washed with petrol by experts listening to MP3s."
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Kiwi Careers: Service Station Attendant
Every once in a while, Gas Station Websites provides the public service of sharing information on how to break into the exciting world of gas station employment. This is one of those times.
■ Service station attendants assist motorists in getting petrol, gas or oil for their vehicle, and sell motoring accessories and food items.
That's it in a nutshell. "How much more information could there possibly be?", you may ask. "Plenty," I would reply.
■ Mahi ai ki te awhina i nga kaitaraiwa waka ki te hoko penehini, kapuni, hinu ranei mo a ratau waka me te hoko taonga tapiri, me nga kai.
I was just going to say that.
■ Service station attendants may do some or all of the following
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's all well and good, but you can save it, and go straight to the money shot. That's right. You get to wear a bow tie.
■ "I think anybody can do this job; you just need to use common sense and have a basic knowledge of a car so you know where the fuel and oil go, and how to pump up the tyres." - Doug Thrush, Service Station Attendant
That, sir, is a slap in the face to all the hard working men and women in the service station industry. I spit on you, Mr. Thrush. I spit on your children. I spit on your pets. You are worse than Hitler. Also, you spell "tires" funny.
■ There are no specific educational requirements for service station attendants
You just don't know when to stop, do you? Keep twisting that knife, you cruel, heartless monster.
■ Service station attendants usually earn between $8 and $12 per hour.
A service station attendant reported making over $100,000? And you believed them? And put their data in your little Excel chart? You sir, are worse than Joan Cusack.
■ The outlook for service station attendants looks average
I would have said "depressing," but to each his own.
■ It's an easy job to get
Penny Jones, you just made my list.
■ I also get the pies out of the chiller
That sounds like something a cell phone hawking Nazi would say.
The face of evil, Doug Thrush.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
J & B Market, Inc.
I hope you like fish.
These lasers are burning my eyes.
■ J & B Market, Inc. is located on highway 441 at traffic light #10 in Pigeon Forge, TN.
If you hit traffic light #11, you've gone too far.
■ If you are brilliant enough to realize that your car runs better on Chevron gas, you'll want to stop by for a visit when vacationing in the Smokies.
■ Of course, we DO have a few who prefer our hickory smoked BBQ sandwich or our signature sandwich, the BIG NASTY!
I made a promise to myself that after the last time, I would never eat something called the BIG NASTY ever again.
■ We have 7 campgrounds who are within walking distance to us
Those campgrounds are really swell fellows once you get to know them.
■ You'd be surprised how many OTHERS are just like you...lost in the Smokies. We can help. Come on in.
If I'm lost in the Smokies, I doubt I'll be able TO find traffic light #10.
■ Where's Dolly Parton drive? answer: Wherever she wants to! ha ha...oh, you mean Dolly Parton Parkway? It is in Sevierville. You are in Pigeon Forge. GO to traffic light #8, take a right, follow the road until you come to the third traffic light, and THAT is Dolly Parton Parkway.
Dude, I can't even find traffic light #10, let alone traffic light #8, or the third traffic light.
There's also an entire second page of funny tourist questions. And by second page, I mean it repeats half the questions and answers on the first page.
■ PIGEON FORGE CAR SHOWS FOR 1999
I just want to know, is that Charlie Daniels in the bottom picture too?
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Help the Gulf Coast
Our thoughts are with those impacted by the hurricane.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
I can't decide what's funnier: a really half-assed amateur gas station website, or one that was taken really really seriously. Please turn up your speakers for this one.
I like the "pause" feature on the home page. Just in case I get interrupted during my visit and want to catch the end of what he's saying. Thoughtful.
■ Need lunch, enjoy a sub made the way you like.
Need a question mark, I think you do.
■ Don't forget the fresh baked cookies, rolls, doughnuts, brownies and other items.
Mmmm... other items.
■ Don't forget to join our coffee club.
Why do you think I'm so forgetful? It's insulting.
■ Great for company vehicles, fleet programs, personal or gifts
Great for personal?
It's a first. "This Months Specials" are actually for this month. They are still missing an apostrophe though.
Got your speakers turned up yet? Dig the slap bass and groovy transitions. It's almost like being in a gas station. Incredible.
This one sounds like you're watching The Weather Channel. My favorite transition is the toilet flush at 0:20. I like the random zooming too.
Ooo... funky. I can't believe I just sat through all three of these.
■ If you would like to receive periodic News and Announcements from All-Stop , please subscribe to our Newsletter.
I have to, don't I?
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Olde Town Car Care Shell
Old Town Texaco changed to a Shell station. They also added an "e" to Old. But then didn't feel they had to change their domain name. What's confusing about that?
■ Jeff Hale opened Olde Towne Car Care in 1983.
Oh, they also added an "e" to Town. Sometimes.
■ Tires and Computer Wheel Alignment
I need my tires aligned, but my computer wheels are fine, thanks.
■ Jeff is unusual in that he is an on-site owner and operator.
I stopped reading when I got to "unusual," and nodded.
■ He is also accomplished mechanic
1. but not an accomplished writer.
2. Yeah Jeff, the "a" in "accomplished" counts as the article "a" even though it should be "an." That's grammatically correct.
■ and "turned a wrench" himself for the first five years.
His wrist must be tired.
■ He lives in Alexandria, and started school at Groveton Elementary, which is today called West Potomac.
I always thought it was customary to include where you went to college on your resume, but when all you got through was elementary school, what choice do you have? Although, this sentence is so cleverly worded, we can't be sure Jeff actually completed elementary school.
■ As the saying goes, you "can eat off of the floors" in the shop, they are kept so clean.
This practice has stunted the growth of the staff.
■ Cliff, better known as Doc, has been the head technician for ten years, and also lives in Alexandria.
You know Jeff is the only one who calls Cliff "Doc," and you know Cliff hates it.
■ Jeff has two teenaged sons, Steve and Kenny. They work at the station during the summer, and Steve is interested in an automotive career.
The less said about Kenny, the better.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Seaside Stop N Go
We couldn't figure out how to create our own graphics, so instead we took pictures of the signs outside our gas station and cropped them. We bet 14% of our visitors don't even notice!
■ Keli's Hawaiian Bento!
I buy all my Hawaiian Japanese single-portion takeout meals from gas stations.
■ Seaside Stop N Go is home of Kelis Teriyaki Sauce.
What are the odds that the same gas station would sell Keli's Bento, and Kelis Teriyaki Sauce? I mean, they are both similar products created by companies with very similar names, but they are clearly two different companies because one has an apostrophe, and one doesn't. The odds have to be a bajillion to one.
■ We offer gas, groceries, Shell gas, fresh deli sandwiches
good hot snacks and Java Coffee!
Since they say the hot snacks are good, that tells me the other items for sale are bad. But nothing beats a nice hot Twinkie.
Come dine in our gas station on plastic furniture. Vomit.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Jack's Liquor & Mini- Mart
■ Your Host: Jack Adams
Makes it sound like a television talk show.
■ Refreshments of all kinds. Liquor, beer, wine, tobacco products, non-alcoholic beer & coolers. Soft drinks too!
■ Want off the road to play indoors awhile?
Want off? I tried to diagram that sentence, but my head exploded.
■ grab a tan in our convenient booth
Show of hands... who uses a tanning booth in a liquor store/mini-mart/gas station? You can be the first on your block to be on liquorstoretanningboothnudes.com.
■ A Chevron Hallmark Facility
It wouldn't be a Hallmark Facility without the tanning booth.
■ Find out MORE about Jack's Liquor & Mini- Mart
I just wish I had some pictures. The ones in my head are scaring me. The real thing couldn't be as bad... could it?
Weeks Auto Service Center
The perfect gas station website. I just don't get the diskettes.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Cease and Desist
I have received several cease and desist letters from gas station owners demanding I stop making fun of their websites. The owners are threatening to sue me for all the money I'm making from the online store to recoup the money they have lost in reduced sales due to my comments about their websites.
Until my team of lawyers can settle this, I'll need to go on hiatus.
Thank you to my loyal readers for your continued support.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
I'm digging the sax solo about halfway through the MIDI.
I can almost tell where this gas station is by using this map.
There is only one word for this: beautiful.
■ We employ ASE certified technicions, use computerized tools, use computerized diagnostics and CD-ROM based service manuals.
We don't use spell checkers.
■ Watch This Space For Promotional Items And Special Happenings
Watch it... watch it...
■ Just bring us this coupon, We've got a GREENBACK for you.
This coupon is worth $1.00 on your next fill-up of Exxon Gasoline. (8 gallons or more) (cash or credit) Offer Expires on 12/31/2001
Darn, I just missed this.
In case this site wasn't bad enough, check out the parent site.
■ It is our pleasure to serve you.
...to our pet rattlesnake?
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Gulfoil Historical Society
■ "The Gulfoil Historical Society has been using the acronym "GOHS" since it's inception in 1999. Recently, the "Government Office of Homeland Security" has been using the same acronym. The Gulfoil Historical Society is not associated in any way with the Government Office of Homeland Security, and acts in no way as an agency thereof.
No one, ever, under any circumstances, ever, in a million years, ever, would confuse this site with a government agency. I mean, little Gulf logos follow your mouse pointer around the screen.
Who knew ancient Roman statues were such big fans of Gulf oil?
■ The GOHS publishes a quarterly newsletter, "The GULFPRIDE". It contains lots of GULF stuff, articles of interest, historical information, reference material, and some fun humorous items as well.
How in the world can you have enough material for a quarterly newsletter? Someone please email me a scan of this thing. I bet it's hilarlious.
■ At the 5th Annual Meeting, in Oil City, PA., on July 12, 2003 the membership present agreed to a motion which affects Wives, Children, and significant others, of GOHS members. The motion was to offer them full membership in GOHS at half price, $12.50 / yr. Full membership includes voting rights, committee positions, elected positions, and of course the right to work hard on any job that needs done. Each member of your family can join at full status provided you reside at the same address, and will share the same mailings.
So he suffocated you in a plastic bag?!
Don's lovely wife.
■ Art Gray sporting a pair of very rare NO-NOX cardboard glasses...
I don't know what the guy on the right is laughing at. He's at the 4th Annual Meeting of the Gulfoil Historical Society.
The guy on the left here thought he was at a meeting of the Gulf Mustache Historical Society.
And finally, the guy in the middle here didn't get the memo not to wear his uniform to the meeting. His bow tie is cute though.
Thanks to JM for the submission!
Anatomy of a GSWMany people have asked what it takes to become a Gas Station Website. The more of the following, the better. The GSW tagline has several examples of these.
Named to the My Yahoo! Editors' Picks
Named a Yahoo! New and Notable Site - 01/14/2005
*I never thought I had to do this, but I guess I gave some of my readers too much credit. The four (yes, there are four, not one or two like most of the grammar "experts" point out) errors in the tagline are indeed intentional. It's called irony. Thank you. (For those of you that got it, congratulations.)